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TALK TO THE ANIMALS, CHAPTER 1 Copyright Audrey J. Shaffer, May 2001 The party had gone on into the early morning hours. I dimly remembered standing on the table drinking shots while the crowd was cheering. The Dog rolled over and moaned when I stumbled into the kitchen. Oh yeah, I remember someone pouring beer into a bowl for him. Boy, his head probably hurts as bad as mine. I munched a couple aspirins, then said "Here. These will help." The Dog opened one eye, then stuck out his tongue. I dropped two aspirin on it. He swallowed, looked up at me and said "Hey, thanks." We both froze for a minute, not sure what had just happened. Then he dropped to the floor with a moan, and put both paws over his face. I only hesitated for a moment, then pulled his foot off his right eye. "Hey, you don’t get away with that," I said sternly. "I know you can talk, so you can’t pretend you can’t." He rolled over on his back with another groan. "Just kill me now. If you don’t the others will." "What others? Other dogs?" "Dogs, cats, horses…Man, that bear that lives up in the woods will probably rip my head off. I can’t believe I did that. Even that stupid cat never made the big mistake. I’m a dead dog." I was wide-awake by now. I sat down on the chair, prepared to enjoy a long conversation. "So," I started, "What great information can I get from the animal world, now that I know your secret? Do you know the meaning of life? Have you talked to God? What great wisdom do you have?" He rolled back onto his stomach, and glared at me from his uncovered eye. "Great wisdom? Look who’s the dummy. I’m a dog! I’m a dumb animal! What could I possibly know?" He did have a point. I mean, how smart could he really be? He washes his butt with his tongue, and he lives on the dry bargain food I buy him. If he were intelligent, wouldn’t he have a better life? If I were smarter, I would live in a big, comfortable house, and eat steak for dinner every night, and never have to go to work. But I had an obligation to the human world to persist. "Oh, come on," I wheedled, "I’m sure you know something of interest. Humans surely have some misconceptions about a dog’s life. Clear them up for me." He heaved a big sigh. I guess he figured out I wasn’t going to quit, because he got up and began checking the corners, and looking in the other rooms. I think he was checking to make sure no one else could hear us. Finally, he came back and sat down in front of me. "Alright," he growled. "What do you want to know? And if that stupid cat comes in here, you’re crazy and I never said a word!" "Got it," I agreed. "This is just between you and me." I tried to think of some important questions to ask him, but what important stuff would a dog know? I finally copped out, and went for the easy one. "Okay, tell me about your life." He looked at me in disbelief. "My life? You know my life. I sleep most of the day, on the floor I must add. I eat this hard, tasteless crap you buy me, chase the cat when you’re not looking, and screw the bitch across the street every chance I get. That’s no big secret." He was right again. That’s exactly what I though he did all day. I thought hard. "Well, what about other animals? Do they have any great knowledge?" He rolled his eyes in disgust. "What makes you think animals are so smart? You humans rule the world. If cats were 1/10 as smart as they think they are, they’d have all you people in cages in no time flat. Even big cats, those lion cats…They may eat a few humans now and then, but even they can’t do half the things a stupid human can do. WE’RE ANIMALS! They call us that for a reason!" I was stumped. Could it be possible? Humans have always striven to communicate with animals. Could it be that we had just wasted our time? Did they really have no insight to share with us? Disappointment clouded my face. I wanted to cry. I’ve always had pets, and I’ve always wanted to talk to them. Here was one of my life’s dreams come true, and it was nothing. I got up shakily. "I’d better get ready for work…" I murmured. The dog’s eyes narrowed in concentration as I turned away. "Unless…" he muttered under his breath, "Nah, you wouldn’t care who the neighbor lady lets in her back door while her husband’s at work…Would you?" I turned back to face the Dog. He tried to look nonchalant. "No, I suppose not. I’m just wasting my time." I dropped back into my chair. Here it was! The reason humans try so hard to communicate with animals. GOSSIP!!! The Dog grinned and licked his lips as I settled back in my chair. "It’s just that nobody watches what they say or do in front of an animal. I mean, it’s not like we can tell anybody… right?"
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